I don’t really know why when Charlie Brown was in despair he uttered “good grief.”
As far as I can tell, there’s nothing good about it.
Anyone who has taken the deep, dark journey of despair knows it's hard to find any silver lining after a death.
For what it's worth, I offer a few thoughts on things that have helped my family dealing with a recent loss.
I recognize everyone mourns differently and in their own time, but these are some things that helped me.
Talk about the person who has passed on.
Tell stories, use their name and include them in conversation. Write down memories or funny things they said to you, or compliments you always want to recall.
Listen to their favourite music. Look at family pictures.
In some sense, they are not entirely gone, or that is my belief.
Everybody acts a bit awkward when someone dies. They don’t know what to do or say to the family.
May I suggest, just say something. Say anything.
Most funeral homes offer tribute pages below the obituary where friends can share memories and pictures of the deceased.
In our case, we got more than 700 messages and me, in my immature and social media-loving way, was hoping to bring down their website with sheer volume.
Each and every message was read and re-read. It gives the family a very clear picture of who the departed was in various points of his life, as we heard from kindergarten pals, school chums, work colleagues, relatives and best friends. It hurts less to know he was remembered.
If I may suggest, if you have a memory to share of someone, even if you don’t know the family, per se, do it!
I will never again question if I should send a card, make a donation, send a private message or share a joke. I will just do it. It makes a difference.
There is absolutely no excuse, in today’s world, not to acknowledge a person’s loss through email or Facebook. It costs nothing, and it's worth everything.
It may take you a few seconds. The ripple effect will last much longer.
On the other hand, there were a few messages we could have done without.
Thanks but no thanks to the doctor’s office which sent out a condolence form letter. It was literally fill in the blanks.
“We are sorry to hear of the death of (insert patient name here) who was in our care for (enter years).”
Add to that, the doctor didn’t even bother to sign it.
Thanks heaps for the care and concern. It would almost be funny if it didn’t sting so much.
Sending equal shade to the former employee’s union who on one line expressed deep sympathy for the loss of a “brother” and on the very next line informed his wife her benefits were now cut off.
Here’s our wound, pass the salt!
Truly, though, most people come shining through and, as is often true in life, you will get the most support from people you least expect. Pay attention to the ones who went out of their way to check on you.
Another tip I would offer is don’t judge how anyone else grieves. Nobody knows how anyone else is feeling.
Are the reactions normal? What’s normal? What’s acceptable? Who knows.
My sister and I have made a pact to live on with as much joy as we can. We set a daily routine. We are still in the paperwork, appointment and notification stage. (Why does every agency require a death certificate?)
Something happened last week that said quite a bit about how we are handling things. We had gone to stock up on those pre-made frozen dinners to give us a break from meal planning. The elderly male clerk was jovial and we were having fun choosing the meals and making a pile. Giggling as sisters do.
He said: “You girls come again when you’re in a better mood.”
I said when we got to the car: “If he only knew what we were going through in private, eh?”
My sister replied: “No point moping around and making everyone else feel bad. We just carry on like we always do.”
Grief is a dark shadow that hovers, but you don’t have to languish in the endless tunnel.
I always liked this quote by Paulo Coehlo: “No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, show up. And never give up.”
And may I add a cookie helps any situation.