Spill the tea!
I was going to just bypass the whole "Where’s Kate?" controversy, until it took on a life of its own.
To recap, Kate Middleton, Princess of Wales, has been out of sight for many weeks after it was announced that she'd had serious abdominal surgery.
Except for a couple of grainy photos of her travelling in a car, she has been mostly absent.
There were questions about what kind of surgery keeps a person in hospital for weeks and requires several more weeks of recovery.
All they said was it wasn't cancer.
Gossip kicked into high gear on Mothering Sunday when Kensington Palace released the now-infamous portrait of Kate and the kids.
To be honest, I didn’t catch any of the edits. Actually, I just assumed all royal photos were enhanced.
Doesn’t everyone edit their photos nowadays?
I barely recognize any of my friends. There are no signs of aging, no skin imperfections, no tired-looking eyes because they are using filters.
By comparison, mine have little altering because I’m too cheap to pay for a good filter program.
That’s why out of the 2,000 photos of myself on my phone, there are two that I like ... maybe five if I squint. I figure if I ever go missing, I want the likeness on the milk carton to at least resemble my actual face.
My point is that most everyone wants to crop out imperfections and now we know the princess is no different.
Rather than make her a fake, it makes her real.
But the amount of backtracking, tap dancing and apologizing that followed the release of that photo was incredible.
The powers that be forced Kate to fall on her sword and say she had manipulated the image. That seems highly doubtful since she actually does dabble in photography and would likely do a better job of it.
The bigger question was why. That’s what seemed so odd. It sent conspiracy theorists into overdrive.
What were they hiding?
Why won’t they say what’s actually wrong with her?
Has it dramatically impacted her looks?
Is there trouble in the marriage?
Has William been stepping out? That’s one of the rumours.
If that one is true, William must be the biggest jackass in the land and if there was another woman I think Kate should grab a sword from the Tower of London and, you know, knight him.
In reality, her absence had shone alight on the fact there are so few working royals at the moment.
With King Charles fighting cancer, he has cancelled public events.
Prince William is juggling work and family as the rest of the world does all day, every day.
They’ve even had to call up the second string of Queen Camilla and Princess Anne to pick up the slack. Sometimes Edward and Sophie show up, too.
But let’s be honest, none of them are the big draw for the public. We want to see Kate and Will.
Who we don’t care to see is Prince Andrew, who would be best to stay hidden behind a giant hedge on one of the many royal properties.
At this point, I hazard a guess only Fergie and the kids still like the guy. Just search the Jeffrey Epstein mess on Google.
We also don’t need to see Harry and Meagan weasling their way back into royal duties. They need to stay gone. That royal yacht has capsized.
It all just makes the Queen’s absence all the more deeply felt.
As the world rushes to judgment, I shall do the same. I think Kate likely had a hysterectomy or a similar procedure on her lady parts and she doesn’t want to talk about it. Maybe it is a sensitive subject in a country so obsessed with heirs and spares.
Maybe she’s on medication that has left her puffy and she doesn’t want to be photographed.
Chances are she just doesn’t feel well and needs a royal break.
All of that is completely her right.
The official word is she will emerge at Easter.
If she does not, I fear six more weeks of gossip and innuendo.
