LIFE WITH CYNTHIA: 'Independence is a lonely and dark place to live, and without help, no one is safe'

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” – Mother Teresa

“I can do things you cannot, you can do things I cannot; together we can do great things.” – Mother Teresa

Asking for help … ? How often do you walk into a store and have the staff ask, “May I help you?” How we read their intention and the way they ask this question speaks volumes. After working in retail for a while, I got to act out from the other side of this proverbial question with mixed results. Managing staff to mean it, managing customers’ expectations, and leaving our own baggage at the door when arriving for work all came into play. What does it mean when we ask, “may I help you?” Asking for and receiving help is something that can be touch and go in our culture and society today. 

I walk into a clothing store, laden down with packages from successful shopping at other stores and as I enter this store the customer service person says, “may I help you?” and I say, “that would be amazing, can you hold these packages for me?” and proceed to hand over all my luggage to the unsuspecting person. What sort of response do you think I would get? Or I walk into a grocery store and up to the clerk, with nothing in my hand, and as they say, “may I help you?” I say, “yes, I saw in the Canadian Tire flyer that they have tires on sale.” How do you think they would react? As they shift gears, prepare to react one never knows what kind of reaction will come. That is the challenge with offering blanket, “can I help” statements without being ready to unconditionally help! The open-ended question, “may I help” comes with expectations on both sides, conditions on both sides, from two perspectives. This is where the challenges often arise. 

In today’s world of asking for help and for those offering help it has become very complicated. In this world of independence, there is a fear around needing help. Needing help has become seen as self-indulgent or unnecessary. So many people judge the help asked for based on their own set of conditions. In everyday lives, the offer of help can come with parameters and boundaries because needs have become so complex. The request for help can often go far beyond the helper’s abilities. The needs may be deeper than we expect. I watched my baby grandson as he wanted my go-cup. It was empty of the coffee I was drinking, and he had watched me drink from it. He wanted help taking off the lid. I helped him do that. Then he wanted it on again and I helped with that. On and off, off and on, then he just got mad and I do not know why … there was a component missing that I could not understand. I could no longer help him because I did not know what he needed. 

There was toast in the toaster, and I asked my son-in-law if he wanted me to help him by getting it. Now in the seventh or eighth week on crutches his adapting to life needing help has somewhat settled in, however, his realizing he needs to push himself somewhat is balanced with asking for help. He realizes throwing stuff on the floor in a tantrum like the one-year-old isn’t fitting in his case. He realizes he needs help, and he needs to push himself to be self-sufficient as well. His routine has been altered drastically by this injury and his appreciation for his family and his interdependence is paramount. 

The flippant question we use, “may I help you?” might be replaced with “how might I help you?” Offering up the chance that there are times, like my grandson’s tantrum where nothing I can do will help or when the request is not something within our power, when help is not an option. Asking for help can be simple and it can also be layered and layered in complexity. Helping refugees is not a simple task nor is helping the homeless. Watching those who need help and taking up the task can be crippling, or it can be liberating. Watching a child struggle with a set of keys to unlock a door requires patience allowing them to learn, whereas, standing back watching an elder with painful arthritis struggle to unlock the door requires a different helping hand.

Part of helping others comes from our own motivation, and we must ask ourselves “why” we are helping? Our intention and reasons for helping set the tone for the receiver to feel good about asking. Take the example of my asking a store clerk to hold my packages. If that store clerk truly wants me to have the best experience possible in their store, they will offer help and support with what to do with the packages while I shop. They will find a way to help that is good for them both. 

Independence is overrated and seen as a strength in our society today causing frown on anyone seeking help. It hinders the spirit when we offer conditional help to others. Lack of an open heart closes the door to hear how we can truly help. If helping trumps your values or in flux with your beliefs, then step back and help by guiding to where help can be found. Wanting something in return, or offering help with conditions ripples into distrust and misalignment. Wanting to help someone shift their beliefs is not helpful. Too many ask, “what’s in it for me?” alongside the how can I help question. When we help freely and assess how we can truly help then the world is a better place. Not every person can fulfill every need.

Independence is a lonely and dark place to live, and without help, no one is safe. Interdependence is a place to live where community and social structure thrive. To be interdependent is to live in harmony as one “uni-verse”, one song with many different parts helping and supporting each other in harmony. There is an ancient proverb, “No tree has branches so foolish that they fight among themselves.” Yet how often do we judge someone asking for help and create war among the branches. Ancient text also tells us it is more blessed to give than to receive however I ask, how can one give if no one is willing to receive or ask for help? When we help and ask for help with a pure heart everyone is blessed. 

Cynthia Breadner is a grief specialist and bereavement counsellor, a soul care worker and offers specialized care in Spiritually Integrated Psychotherapy with special attention as a cognitive behavioral therapy practitioner and trauma incident resolution facilitator.  She volunteers at hospice, works as a LTC chaplain and is a death doula, assisting with end-of-life care for client and family.  She is the mother part of the #DanCynAdventures duo and practices fitness, health and wellness.  She is available remotely by safe and secure video connections, if you have any questions contact her today!  [email protected]  breakingstibah.com