COLUMN: What are the secrets to marital longevity?

Do you remember the luckiest day of your life? Mine was decades ago, in high school. I’d hope to catch a glance of her as we scurried through the halls between classes, maybe say "Hi." She was cute, athletic, and if I was honest, looked fantastic both coming and going. Whether walking with friends or alone, her stride had purpose and confidence.

Her friends and mine sensed I was attracted to her but was too shy, likely lacking in confidence, or just too dumbstruck to make a move. As she approached me that day, and stopped to talk, I had no idea what to expect.

“Want to go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with me?” she asked. The next moment is a blur. Happiness, fear, exhilaration, and more — all the emotions you can imagine hit this teenager like a truck as I gathered my composure and mumbled either yes, absolutely, for sure, or something else unequivocally affirmative.

We’ll soon celebrate our 50^th wedding anniversary.

Statistically, our achievement isn’t up there with one’s chances to win Olympic gold or be awarded the Nobel Prize. Of living Canadians who married 50 or more years ago, half are still married to the same spouse. The Vanier Institute of the Family, an independent, Ottawa-based organization “dedicated to understanding families and family life in Canada,” reported in April that divorce rates are the lowest they’ve been in 50 years — 5.6 per 1,000 married people.

The Institute acknowledges this is in large part due to the fact that older, long-time married folks are dying off and younger people are living in common-law relationships. Eighty percent of 20-to-24-year-old couples co-habit in common-law relationships rather than marriages, and overall 23 percent of Canadian couples live common-law, the highest level in the G7.

Lisa Strohschein, a professor and editor-in-chief of the journal Canadian Studies in Population, states, “Common-law unions tend to be more fragile than marriages, and more likely to end, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. With younger people, it’s more of a ‘weeding’ or ‘trial marriage’, and breakups are part of that. It’s not a bad thing for society as a whole.”

“Stop right there!” as Ellen Foley screamed at Meatloaf. Let’s consider what makes a successful long-term relationship before we start suggesting that trial relationships and no-big-deal break-ups are not a bad thing for society. In my opinion, if one created a parallel list of the traits that produce long-term relationships, and what anchors strong communities and societies, they’d be nearly identical.

Common-law unions tend to be more fragile than marriages, and more likely to end

This opinion has nothing to do with the “piece of paper” or marriage certificate, nor with any religious ceremony. It has to do with the potential of entering a relationship with less serious intent when an escape hatch is easily available. I did not join my wife in a weeding-out process 50 years ago (at least, not that I’m aware of).

Commitment and shared core values are the most basic building blocks of relationships. Whether in family life, one’s community, a sports team or workplace, without long-term commitment and a common purpose, success is difficult to achieve. There are always circumstances that change, and no one should be stuck in any relationship that is dangerous or without future, but if we believe that when we commit it’s a done deal, we try harder to make things work out.

Respect and consideration are fundamental to working together, settling disagreements fairly and admitting when one is wrong. As we listen with an open mind, and value the opinions of others although we may not agree, compromise increases. We become less judgmental and derisive of others if we allow them the opportunity to express themselves without reservation or intimidation.

Trust has to be earned over time, and is crucial to any long-term endeavour. If we trust another person or group, we share our feelings and thoughts more openly and honestly, accept their criticism without being defensive, and allow them to influence our own opinions and values.

Accepting that others in a relationship need their own personal space and independence in order to be true to themselves is easy when we trust one another, as is forgiving and apologizing. With independence, we lessen the responsibility that is put upon our partner for attaining our own personal happiness.

Knowing that you have the support of your partner or community is essential to personal advancement. When you succeed with their support, the rewards and benefits become theirs too, and provide everyone involved with more confidence. There are few relationships stronger than those between two people or groups working together to achieve a better future for all participants.

Win-win is a long-term goal, not a daily scorecard. Giving your all to a relationship one day and getting nothing in return ceases to be an issue when you’re confident the tables will reverse the next day, and you will receive more than your share.

The list can go on forever, and the details will vary for each of us, but any of these advantages are lost when we approach a long-term relationship or social responsibility capriciously. There’s truth in the old saw that anything worthwhile takes work — but it’s so worth it.